Let's Make A Deal
by Ranguvar27
Summary: Althea Harris, nee Brooks, is your typical FTL resident. She has parents and husband, and is quite pretty. However, there are some odd things about her. For one, she's Rumplestiltskin's pupil and lover. For another, she's completely insane. Rumple/OC-Pure Crack. Is now Rumple/Belle/OC.
1. Of Meetings and Marriages

Let's Make A Deal

Chapter One: Of Meetings And Marriages

Althea Brooks was your typical resident of the Enchanted Forest. She had a mother, a father, and a small puppy named Hero. Her parents were gentlemen farmers, and they made a modest enough living. But they were not very happy, and the reason for this was their daughter.

Althea was widely considered to be one of the comeliest lasses in the village, with dark red hair, deep green eyes, and a tall body that had curves in all the right places. She was strong, quick witted, and had a biting sense of humor.

Unfortunately, she was also deemed completely insane by many of the villagers-a notion she did nothing to dissuade. She had been born with magic, and loved to use it at any opportunity-whether it was to turn a man that goosed her into an actual goose, cause her parents' crops to harvest themselves, or simply conjure up whatever her fancy struck. Once, it was a solid gold donkey. Another time, she conjured up a bow and arrows that would never miss. Another, she conjured up a giant stuffed gryphon. Her mind constantly thought of new things, new toys and creatures she could create.

She also had no fear at all and would spend weeks at a time in the woods, hunting and practicing her skills. She had a natural instinct for healing, and could tell a poison plant from an edible one in one look. Her mother and father despaired of her ever becoming a normal daughter. No matter what they did or said, no matter how much they pleaded or threatened her, she went her own merry way, living her mad life.

She had come of age two years previous, and had either chased away or turned all her suitors into animals, and as a result no one for miles around wanted anything to do with her. Her father was beginning to think that she would be forced to live with him and her mother forever-a prospect he did not exactly cherish.

Then one day, a man in a splendid carriage arrived at the farm. He was big, with a bushy beard that covered his fat stomach. "Are you Farmer Brooks?" His voice was oily.

"I am. Who are you?"

The man extended his stubby hand. "Brutus Harris. I understand you have a daughter that's of marrying age."

"Yes, but she will have no man, and Alice and I are beginning to despair. You see, Althea is quite mad."

Harris laughed, waving his hand in dismissal. "All women are mad. I have come with a proposal. I am in the mood for a wife, and I am prepared to give you ten thousand gold pieces for your daughter."

Brooks gaped at him. "Ten...thousand gold pieces?!"

"Yes, and a guarantee that I will shape her into a dutiful wife within six months time."

"We have not been able to make her a dutiful daughter in eighteen years, so if you can do as you say, the gods must surely be on your side." Brooks paused, then grinned. "Won't you come into the house, Mr. Harris? I'm sure Alice would love to meet you." Harris nodded and followed him into the farmhouse.

At first, Alice Brooks was suspicious of the newcomer, but when she heard his offer, she immediately accepted. "We've tried everything, and nothing has worked. Please, take her off our hands!"

"Take who off your hands?" Althea entered the farmhouse, bow slung over her shoulder, and her mother cringed at her ensemble-a black shirt and black trousers. Althea also carried a brace of rabbits in one hand. "What's going on?" She looked over at Brutus and felt her spine tingle in revulsion. "Who the devil are you?"

Her father smiled, and Althea felt an alarm go off in her head. "Althea, this is Brutus Harris. He's your new husband."

"...What?!" Althea clenched her fists, feeling her magic come to the surface. "Father, please tell me you're joking! If you think I will lower myself to be wed to this fat, disgusting pig..." she gasped in anger when Brutus stepped forward and backhanded her.

"You will show me the proper respect. You are my property now, Althea, and will behave accordingly, or I will be forced to discipline you harshly. I will give you one hour to say your goodbyes and then we will leave. I would not advise trying to run. I paid good money for you."

Althea wiped the blood from her lip. "I should have known it would come to this. Fine, I will go with you. But hear me-you will never break me. I will not be the dutiful wife!" She rose to her feet, fixing Brutus with a haughty stare. "There is no need for goodbyes. Shall we go, husband?" She swept past him.

Brutus smiled. "I will send you the money within a week. Thank you, and the gods be with you."

Althea glared at him as he climbed into the carriage, his weight causing it to tilt dangerously. "I suppose you'll be wanting a wedding night?" Harris laughed, a cold, cruel sound.

"Don't be absurd, witch. I would rather be ravaged by an ogress. I only married you for one reason-I want you to use your powers to further me." He grinned at the shock on her face. "Oh yes, I know of your reputation. You have a vast reservoir of power, and I intend to make full use of it."

"And what makes you think I'll do anything for you?"

Harris leaned forward and placed his hand on her throat. "Because if you do not, I will have your parents killed, and I will force you to watch. You will obey me, is that clear?"

Althea nodded. "Crystal." Harris smiled and released her, and she rubbed her throat, her mind churning. 'How am I going to escape?' She didn't dare use her magic in a confined space, and the carriage was moving too quickly for her to attempt to leap out. She sent up a silent prayer. 'Somebody-anybody! Get me away from here!' Nothing happened, and she sank back in her seat, despair filling her.

Six months had passed since Althea's 'marriage', and she had discovered a few things about her husband. She had discovered that he was a drunk, abusive, and loutish, and he would take every opportunity he had to belittle and insult her. He was also constantly attempting to force her to use her magic for his dirty deeds-and every time, she would refuse, causing him to fly into black rages and beat her. But she refused to give in, while every day her hatred for him grew stronger. She wanted nothing more than to snap his neck and be free. Her nights were filled with dreams of him vanishing.

Finally, she reached her wits' end. Brutus had beaten her so severely that she could barely walk, and had it not been for her magic, she would have died. She waited until he was passed out drunk, then ran for the woods, determined to never go back home.

"Lost, dearie?"

Althea jumped at the voice that came from behind her. She turned, grinning at the creature that stood there. "You're Rumplestiltskin."

Rumple bowed. "And unless I'm mistaken, you are Althea Brooks. My, you are a powerful one. I can feel the magic rolling off you in waves. Quite pretty, too. But what brings you here?"

"I've run out on my husband. He is a brutish lout, and I'm tired of being his punching bag. I had planned on living on my own, but I've got a better idea. I wish to make a deal with you." Rumple nodded for her to continue. "I want you to teach me how to hone my magic skills, and in return, I will give you me."

"You?"

Althea nodded. "I am offering you my body in exchange for your teachings. I am not looking for love or romance, nor do I expect you to fall in love with me. I've not been had by any man, and my husband would not touch me except to beat me. You may be the Dark One, Rumplestiltskin, but you are still a man, with a man's needs." She stepped forward, smiling seductively. "Do we have a deal?"

Rumplestiltskin laughed. "It's the oddest one I've ever made, dearie-but yes. Shall we seal it with a kiss?" Althea nodded, and he grabbed the back of her neck, pulling her down into a hard, bruising kiss before teleporting them both to his bedroom in the Dark Castle.

Two days later, Brutus Harris vanished, and in the town a rumor began to circulate that Althea Harris had done it before running off with none other than Rumplestiltskin.

Nobody was too surprised.


	2. Of Explosions and Elephants

Let's Make A Deal

Chapter Two: Of Explosions and Elephants

"ALTHEA!" Rumple's angry shout reverberated through the Castle, and the object of his frustration giggled from her hiding spot behind the curtain. Rumple swept the curtain aside, glaring at his pupil and lover. "Althea, you blew up my wardrobe."

Althea pouted, arms crossed under her breasts. "I was trying to make it levitate. Besides, last week you turned my favorite pair of boots into flower pots!"

Rumple rolled his eyes. "Only after you turned my hair green. You're just lucky that potion didn't last very long, otherwise you would have been in real-what was that?"

A loud trumpeting sound came from the window, and Althea grinned her Mad Grin. "It's a surprise!"

Rumple ran to the window, eyes wide at the very large creature currently chomping away at his fruit trees. "What in the gods is that?!"

Althea skipped over to the window. "No idea, but I thought of it! Isn't it neat!" She cocked her head, frowning. "Though why it has two tails I don't know. Can I keep it?"

"It's eating all my fruit!"

"You can conjure more trees. Please, Rumple! Let me keep it! Pweeeassseee?"

Rumplestiltskin huffed in frustration. "Fine." Althea giggled and clapped in glee, doing a little dance. Rumple giggled. "Althea, you are crazy. You know that creature won't last."

"Oh, spoil my fun. I wish I could make something living that lasted more than a day." She pouted, then grinned again. "Hey Rumple..."

"...What?" he asked warily. After one year, he had come to recognize and dread that upbeat tone. Althea had either done or was planning to do something to him.

"Do you remember your second best pair of leather pants?"

"Ye...What do you mean, remember?!"

Althea gulped, then waved her hand, and a strip of leather appeared between her fingers. "I...uhh...forgot they were in the wardrobe."

Rumple rubbed his temples, trying to stay calm. "Althea, remind me again why I don't throw you out!"

She placed her finger under her chin in mock thought. "Umm...because the sex is fantastic?"

He couldn't argue with that-Althea, once she had gotten over her initial shyness, was a very creative and satisfactory lover. "I'll give you that. But you drive me mad. You enchant my clothes, you made my spinning wheel fly around the room, you conjure up creatures like the one currently eating my garden, and you are forever blowing things up!"

"Well, you hide my clothes, you teleported me onto the roof, you turned my boots into flowerpots, you won't let me have a magic cloak or staff, and every time I try to take a bath by myself you hop in the tub!"

"You've never complained about that."

Althea growled at him. "That's not the point! I want some alone time once in a while! I also want a cloak and staff."

"I'll see what I can do. Now, be a dear, dearie, and get that creature **out** of my garden!"

Althea skipped outdoors, knowing Rumple was watching her. Ever since her arrival, she had favored the sort of attire that would make her mother, or indeed, any well-bred lady, turn white with horror-a short leather skirt and a blood red bodice that showed off her breasts to fine effect. All she was missing was a cloak to complete the ensemble.

Rumple shook himself, then went to his wheel, idly spinning it. A cloak wasn't a bad idea-Althea could use it to travel, and a staff would help channel her magic some.

The familiar sound of something exploding reached his ears, and he placed his head against the wheel, praying for patience at Althea's shout. "Everything's OK! Don't come out!" He groaned at the green smoke he could see rising up.

'We've got a long way to go.'

Over the next six months, Rumple drilled her unmercifully, not in the mood to put up with any more explosions or accidents. He kept his promise and made Althea a cloak and conjured her a staff, then made her promise that she would redouble her efforts to control and perfect her magic.

And she proved to be a hard working student-when she wasn't busy pranking him, she was practicing her skills, be they in conjuring, healing, transportation, seeing(that gave her horrible headaches, so Rumple wasn't as insistent on her learning that skill), or just plain old sleight of hand.

Every once in a while, they would engage in prank wars that would leave them covered in magic dust and their clothes a mess from being changed into anything they could think of. Entire rooms of the castle would end up coated in paint, feathers, mud, and once-gryphon snot. But it was all in good fun, and eventually they would make up very thoroughly.

Rumplestiltskin had to admit that life with Althea was never dull. While it was true she was madder than a march hare, she was also intelligent, a quick study, and an excellent secret keeper. She was also surprisingly compassionate, if caught in the right mood. He had told her about Belle one night-well, to be truthful he had screamed at her in rage that she would never take Belle's place. This had been after she had discovered Belle's gold dress and tried it on. Rumple had been furious with her, but later that night, he had told her Belle's story.

Althea, for her part, had no intention of replacing Belle in her imp's heart. She was not naïve enough to believe that what she and Rumple had was true love. It was fun, and in her own twisted way, she loved him, and he her.

Besides, she got some pretty fun toys out of the deal.


	3. Of Deals and Doggies

Let's Make A Deal

Chapter Three: Of Deals and Doggies

Althea stretched, smacked her lips together to get rid of the taste of morning breath, then opened her eyes halfway, wincing at the rather harsh light. "Ugh. Rumple, remind me never to mix those two drinks ever...Rumple?" She turned, rolling her eyes at the empty space next to her. This was nothing new-very rarely did she wake up before him. He was probably in the kitchen trying to clean up her latest mess-she had been on a baking spree this past week, and while her finished products were quite good, she had yet to master the impulse to start food fights.

She grabbed her cloak, pulling it around her naked body as best as she could, then went down to the kitchen. "Rumplestiltskin..." the kitchen was empty. Althea frowned, becoming slightly worried. "Rumple?" She was beginning to think she would have to search the whole Castle(a prospect she dreaded, since it was huge) when she heard low whimpering coming from the pantry. Puzzled, she opened the door and gasped.

Curled up on the floor, looking very confused, were two tiny puppies. One was all black, and the other had patches of white on black fur. Althea felt her heart melt, and she knelt in front of them, cooing. "Hey, where'd you come from? Did Rumple conjure you?" The black puppy thumped his small tail and stood, tottering towards her. Althea smiled, scratching him behind the ears. "Wish I knew where he was."

"Right behind you, dearie."

Althea screamed, then turned, glaring at the giggling imp. "Very funny, Rumple. Where were you? Off making more deals?"

Rumple shrugged. "It is what I do, Althea."

"So who'd you deal with this time? Little Miss Muffet? Mother Hubbard?"

"Cinderella .She signed the contract, and went off to the ball in a loverly dress and glass shoes!" he singsonged, waving a small wooden object in his hands.

Althea sighed. "Right. Doesn't she have a fairy godmother?"

Rumple giggled. "Not anymore. This was her wand." He waggled the wand at her, giggling.

Althea pinched the bridge of her nose. "What did you do?" Rumple grinned and made a 'boom' sound. "You blew up a fairy?!"

Rumple glared at her, defensive. "Yes, what of it?"

"Y-you can't go around blowing up fairies!"

Rumple's face was implacable. "Why not?"

"Because you can't! It's not done!"

"Says who? I hate the pesky things."

Althea groaned in annoyance. "That's not the point! I hate my ex, I didn't blow him up!"

"No, you just made him vanish."

Althea buried her face in her hands. "This-is-not-about-me!" She took a breath to calm herself, then decided to change subjects. "Where did the puppies come from?"

"Oh, those. Well, I thought you might like company for times when I'm gone, so I did a bit of transfiguration."

"On what?"

Rumple chuckled. "Just a pair of boots I found in your closet."

"Boots?" Althea bolted upstairs, and yanked open her closet, eyes going wide with fury. "Rumplestiltskin, get up here! Now!"

"Yes, dearie?"

"Rumple, did you turn my favorite pair of boots into puppies?"

"I might have."

Althea nodded slowly. "I see. Can you give me a good reason why I shouldn't **kill you?" **

"...The puppies are cute?"

"You-I-that isn't the point!"

"They aren't cute?"

Althea counted slowly to ten. "They're adorable, but please, next time, ask me before you transfigure my clothes! But since we've got them, they'll need food, a place to sleep-besides in the pantry-collars, toys, and names."

"I think I liked it better when they were boots."


	4. Of Magic and Migraines

Let's Make A Deal

Chapter Four: Of Magic and Migraines

_**A/N: The Storybrooke part will take place in Season 2.**_

One minute, Anna Fielding had been restocking the shelves of her health food store Nature's Bounty when she felt an overwhelming sense of dizziness. She reeled, clutching onto the metal shelf for support as memories came flooding back:

_-Clinging to Rumple as he took her to heaven and back_

_-Watching him sleep, and discovering that in her way, she did love him_

_-Begging him not to accept Cinderella's new deal, knowing it would end bad for him_

_-Rumple being captured by Cinderella and her prince, and Althea watching helplessly in the mirror_

_-Sneaking into the dungeon to try and free him, only to be caught and thrown bodily out by six very large guards_

_-Seeing and hearing the Curse coming, and being swallowed by the thick smoke_

_-Waking up in this place as Anna Fielding, knowing nothing beyond that she ran a health food store and was Gold's some-time lover_

_-Watching as Emma showed up, and feeling a distinct sense that something huge was happening _

Althea gasped for breath, shuddering, then stumbled towards the door, head pounding so hard she thought it would split open. Without thinking, she made a pushing motion with her hand, and the door sprang open. 'Well, my magic seems to be back.'

She made her way down the street, weaving between reuniting couples, her vision doubling as her headache became worse. Somehow, she made it to the pawnshop, and knocked feebly on the door. "Rumple..."

The door opened, and Althea found herself looking at a rather pretty young lady. "Hi..are you okay?!"

Althea grinned sickly, then fell forward in a dead faint.

Belle's eyes widened in alarm, and she knelt by the woman, shaking her. "Hey, wake up! Uhh.." she hooked her hands under the woman's arms and dragged her into the shop as best as she could, then ran for the object on the counter that Rumple had called a 'telephone'. He had shown her how to use it, and written his number down on a piece of paper. Belle carefully dialed, then waited for the rings to stop.

"Hello?"

"Rumplestiltskin?"

"Belle? What's wrong?"

"There's a woman in your shop. I think she's sick."

"Well, send her to the drug store."

"No, I mean really sick. She's unconscious, and..oh my gods! She's having some sort of fit!"

"I'll be right there. See if you can stop her flailing."

"I will. Hurry, please!"

Belle hung up and went over to Althea, holding her arms steady. "Please, wake up." The sound of the bell above the door ringing made her look up, grinning in relief. "Rumple, thank the gods."

Rumple gasped at the woman lying prone on the floor. "Althea!" He knelt in front of her, gently touching her temple. "Althea, wake up."

"...Oh gods my head..." Althea slowly opened her eyes, still feeling overwhelmed by nausea. "Rumple?"

"Yes, dearie, it's me." He helped her to a sitting position, and Althea clung to his arm, still dizzy.

"The hell is happening to me?"

"Well, it would seem that your magic is flooding back. You've been without it for 28 years, after all. Frankly, I'm surprised you haven't blown up half my shop."

Althea glared at him. "My head feels like it's being split in two, my entire body aches like a bitch, and I'm seeing three of you, and you're worried about your knickknacks." She blinked, then blearily focused on what she thought was the real him. "You look good in a suit." She turned her head towards Belle. "Hi, I'm Althea. Who're you?"

"I'm Belle."

Althea's jaw dropped. "Belle? The Belle?" She glanced over at Rumple. "Wasn't she supposedly dead?"

"I thought she was."

"Then what-no, don't tell me. Regina. Belle, it's nice to meet you, and once the world stops spinning we can get to know each other better."

Belle smiled. "So, how do you know Rumplestiltskin?"

Althea chuckled. "It's...complicated."

"We were lovers, what's complicated about that?"

Althea groaned. "Still haven't lost your ability to be direct. We were-are-will be lovers. Or did you forget I can see the future too?" She looked up at an uneasy-looking Belle. "I'm sure we'll be able to figure something out. Right now, all I want is to know what happened."

Rumple giggled. "The Curse was broken."

"How?"

"Miss Swan, of course. She fulfilled her destiny."

"Oh, right, the whole savior thing." Althea carefully stood up, Rumple holding on to her arm. "You can let go, the world isn't spinning as fast. Belle, would you mind if we spoke in private?"

"Not at all."

Rumple watched them disappear into the back room, feeling rather nervous. Time passed, and he was beginning to debate on whether he should eavesdrop, when he heard the sounds of giggling. 'Well, Althea hasn't tried transfiguring Belle yet-must be a good sign.' He relaxed further when they emerged, grinning. "Well?"

Belle grinned. "Well what? We talked."

"Yes, but what about?"

The two women giggled. Althea answered first. "Of many things. Mostly about you."

"What about me?"

"Wouldn't you like to know," chorused two voices.

Rumple sighed. This was going to take a while.


	5. Of Sex and Sprees

Let's Make A Deal

Chapter Five: Of Sex and Sprees

Rumplestiltskin opened his eyes, blinking away the sleep-sand, and stretched, only to encounter empty bed space on both sides. He frowned as he realized the house was unusually quiet. "Althea? Belle? Loves, where are you?" No answer, and he grabbed his trousers, pulling them on and walking down to the kitchen. It too was empty, but taped on the fridge was a note in Althea's messy handwriting.

'Rumple-we've gone to town to do some shopping. Don't follow us. Althea. P.S-I stole your credit card and car..'

Rumple groaned, dreading what Althea could do with his credit card. Belle wouldn't be as bad-he hoped. He wasn't quite as worried about his car-Althea was a pretty good driver-even if she did have a lead foot. He started a pot of coffee, mind going back to six weeks before, when Belle and Althea had finally told him-after much cajoling on his part-what they had talked about that day in his shop:

_Althea grinned. "We've decided to share you." _

_He frowned at them, puzzled. "Share me? You mean you'll get me Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and Belle gets me Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday, with me on my own Sunday? Or is the arrangement the opposite?" _

_Belle shook her head, and Rumple noticed she was blushing. "No.." _

"_Then what...Oh. Wait...are you..." _

_Althea grinned wickedly. "We are. We figured we both loved you, and gods knows you've got a lot of...energy for an old man." Rumple glared at her, and she merely grinned wider. "So rather than fight over who got to have you and when, Belle and I figured this would be easier. Of course, if you'd rather **not** have two women in bed with you..." _

_Rumple quickly shook his head, then looked curiously at Belle. "Althea didn't trick you, did she? If ever there was one who could twist words as well as I, it's her." His jaw dropped when Belle placed her hand behind Althea's neck and pulled her down into a very passionate kiss. "Uhhh...is that a yes or no?" _

_Althea giggled. "That's a no, dummy. Why do you think we waited so long to tell you? We had to find out if we were compatible. Turns out, we are. But, you'll be happy to know that Belle is still a virgin. Well...so far." _

"_So far?" Rumple croaked, still not quite believing this very fortunate turn of events. He suddenly giggled. "Well, dearies, we'll have to change that, won't we?" The women nodded, grinning, and he grabbed their hands and teleported them all to his bedroom. _

* * *

"Belle, look at this!" Althea held up a lacy blue negligee, and Belle whistled her approval.

"Nice. Rum will definitely love you in that."

"Would you?"

Belle grinned. "Go try it on." Althea disappeared into the dressing room, and Belle browsed the racks, still not quite believing how daring some of these items were. Althea had spent half the morning explaining that yes, it was perfectly acceptable for women to wear such things, and that Rumplestiltskin would be most appreciative.

She had just selected a light green negligee that she thought would go well with her hair when the dressing room opened and Althea stepped out. "Well?"

Belle gulped. "Well...umm...damn. Yeah, Rum will **definitely** appreciate that!" She smirked at her lover. "Gods knows I certainly do. Were your legs always that long?"

"Yeah. So, it's a buy?'

"Definitely." Belle laughed. "Poor Rum's credit card is probably whimpering for mercy."

Althea giggled. "Oh, come on. All we've bought so far are a few clothes, some books, jewelry, and some material for me so I can do a bit of sewing." Belle gave her a look. "Oh, he won't mind. Come on, let's go to Granny's. I'm starving."

* * *

Rumple was spinning straw when he heard his car pull up into the driveway. 'About damn time.' He went into the living room and gawped at the sight of his lovers coming into the house laden down with bags. Althea grinned at him. "Hi! There's more stuff in the trunk, could you go get it?"

"More?!"

Belle giggled. "Just a few more bags, honest."

Rumple sighed, and went out to his car. He almost fainted when he saw the inside of the trunk-Belle's idea of a 'few more bags' meant that he was going to have to make two trips. He gathered up as much as he could carry, bringing them in and setting them on the kitchen counter. "Would one of you care to explain why you've bought half of Storybrooke?"

Althea grinned. "Well, Belle's been locked away for 28 years."

"I'm aware of that."

"Well, she hasn't had a chance to see or try new things, and she hasn't read any good books. So, I figured she should catch up."

Rumple nodded. "Right. So, you decide to go on a shopping spree. Do I dare ask how much you spent?" Althea gulped, and he rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Althea...how much?"

"Well, it's not like it really matters! You're loaded!"

"Althea..." Rumple growled in warning, and she winced.

"Umm...not a lot..."

"How. much?"

"Fvehndrd."

"How much?!"

"Five hundred. But some of it is for you!"

Rumple mouthed "Five hundred?!" and promptly fainted.


	6. Of Pranks and Pets

Let's Make A Deal

Chapter Six: Of Pranks and Pets

Althea leaned against the wall of the hardware store, whistling. The sound of footsteps made her turn her head, and she smiled at Belle. "Did you find it?"

Belle nodded, and held out her hand. In it was a long black staff covered with ornate carvings. "I had to dig through about a hundred trunks, and Rum nearly caught me." She handed the staff to Althea, who began to caress it, speaking in a motherly tone.

"I missed you so much, my darling! Did you miss Mummy? Did you miss being used? I'm sure you did, you poor thing! All these years, and not one spell cast using you. Well, Mummy will fix that, yes she will! Mummy will make you all better again. Now, let's see if you still work for Mummy." She made a 'step back' motion, and Belle sidestepped, wondering what Althea was going to do.

Althea pointed the staff at a clump of bushes. Belle gaped as a jet of blue light shot out of the staff and hit the bushes, transforming them into five green kittens made out of leaves. The kittens meowed, and Althea giggled, dancing, and kissed her staff over and over. "Oh such a good boy you do still work for Mummy! I'm so proud of you! Now, let's go visit the Queen! Oi! No scratching!"

Belle frowned. "Althea, what is on that twisted mind of yours? And what are you going to do about those?" she pointed to the kittens, who had come over and were scratching at the staff, mrowing. Althea placed her staff across her shoulders, then grinned.

"Why Belle, I simply want to visit Regina-well, her orchard, at least. As for the leaf-cats, well, we've been pestering Rumple for weeks to let us have a pet! And we won't even need to feed them! They'll get all their food from the sun! I think I'll call this one Maple!" She pointed to the biggest kitten.

Belle decided not to point out that the cats had come from a straggly bush and not a maple tree. "Yes, but isn't turning things into animals a bit, I don't know, odd?"

Althea chuckled. "Rumple's never told you about my puppies, I take it."

"No, what's that?"

"I'll tell you on the way to Regina's. Suffice to say, I'm not the only one to do this."

They set off for Regina's house, the kittens trailing behind. Belle counted herself lucky that they didn't encounter anyone. "Althea, Regina's probably going to know we're coming!"

"So? If she sees us, we'll just say we're out for a walk."

"A walk? With those-plant-animal-whatever they are trailing behind us? If she realizes you've got your magic back, what do you think she's going to do? I know both you and Rum are powerful, but you've been without magic for twenty eight years. Regina hasn't."

"Which is why we're not going to get caught. Without magic, you learn other tricks. Observe." She pulled a strange device out of her pocket and opened it, then pressed a few buttons before placing the device next to her ear. Belle gaped as Althea spoke in a pitch-perfect imitation of Rumplestiltskin. "Regina, when you get a chance come to my shop. I have a-deal I wish to discuss with you." She snapped the device closed, grinning. "Regina should be leaving her house about now. With luck, by the time she discovers she's been flim-flammed, we'll be long gone. Now c'mon, daylight's wasting."

Belle followed, eaten up with curiosity. "What was that device? And how did you learn to imitate Rum so well? And what is your plan?"

"It's called a cell phone. I'll explain more later. As for Rumple, I lived with the imp for five years, and I've always been a mimic. Still can't laugh like him, though. As for my plan, we're going to play a tiny little prank on Regina. Harmless, really."

Belle groaned. "Hoo boy."

Althea stuck her tongue out at Belle, then grinned. "Honest. I swear by what's left of my sanity."

"That's not much to swear by."

"Smart ass. Anyway, we're here."

Belle sighed. She had been so caught up in arguing with Althea that she didn't even notice when they arrived at Regina's orchard. 'Now I know why Rum says she keeps him on his toes.' "So, what are you going to do?"

"Well, first we need to get in. Grab hold of me."

Belle smirked at her. "If you wanted to make out, you could have just said so."

"Belle love, once my business here is done, you can grope me to your heart's content. I need you to hold on to me so I can teleport us both into the orchard."

Belle frowned. "Oh. Why not just blow the gates open?"

"Too theatrical."

Belle nearly choked on her laughter. "Althea, you and Rum are the most theatrical people I've ever met!"

"Yes, but at least I know when to tone things down. Now, shut up and hold me."

"You're so romantic." Belle snarked before grabbing hold of Althea.

"You might want to close your eyes." Althea instructed, and Belle shut them tight. A few seconds later, she felt a blast of cold wind, and everything went dark. "Belle? Belle, it's OK. You can open your eyes." She opened them slowly, wincing at the harsh light. Althea was kneeling over her, looking very concerned.

"What happened?"

"You teleported for the first time."

"Why do I feel so dizzy?"

"Side effect. Do you think you can stand?"

Belle nodded, and Althea helped her to her feet. "Althea?"

"Yeah?"

"Next time, just blast the gates open."

"OK."

They carefully made their way down the path to the largest apple tree. Althea smirked, stroking the trunk. "So, you think this is Regina's favorite?" Belle nodded, and Althea's smirk grew wicked. "Me too. So.." she tapped the tree with her staff.

Belle gawped when it disappeared. "Where is it?"

"Oh, it hasn't gone anywhere. It's right where it's always been."

Before Belle could wonder what she was talking about, she heard a sound that made her blood turn cold.-a car motor. "Althea, I think Regina found out she's been tricked."

The back door slammed open and a furious Regina came storming out, glaring daggers at the two intruders. "You... Where is my tree?!"

Althea and Belle shrieked and took off running. Regina ran down the steps, across the lawn, and then face-first into her newly-invisible apple tree. She grunted, then collapsed, knocked out cold.

Althea and Belle nearly wet themselves laughing.


	7. Of Belle and Burgers

Let's Make A Deal

Chapter Seven: Of Burgers and Belle

_A/N: This chapter takes place after 'The Crocodile.' Belle has moved into the library apartment._

Belle looked around the apartment. It was small, but it would suit her needs. There was a small kitchen, with a stove and refrigerator, and a large combination dining/living room. There was also a small alcove that could be used as a place to put a small bed. At the moment, the only furniture was a shabby brown couch up against the far wall. Eventually, Belle knew, she would have to add a bit more of herself to the place. But for now, she would make do with the couch.

There was a knock on the door, and Belle called, "Come in."

Althea entered, looking around. "Not bad."

Belle glared at her. "Thea, if he sent you..." Althea quickly shook her head.

"No, I'm here on my own. I wanted to talk to you."

Belle sighed. "Thea, I've made my choice. I can't be around him right now. He needs to learn to not use magic so much." She looked up into Althea's eyes. "And so do you. You're both addicted to it!"

Althea sank onto the couch, wringing her hands nervously. "Belle-it's...different with me."

"How? You use it at every opportunity, just like him! It's made you insane, just like him! And damn it, I can't stand seeing the two people I love corrupted! Why can't you just give it up?!"

"_**Because I'll die!**_" Althea shouted, her eyes blazing in anger. Belle jumped as a light in the kitchen exploded, showering glass onto the floor. Althea's expression immediately changed to remorse. "Oh Belle, did I hurt you?"

"No, I'm fine. You just startled me. What do you mean, you'll die?"

Althea laughed bitterly. "Well, just that. If I give up my magic or it's taken from me, I die."

"But-you were without it for 28 years."

Althea shook her head. "Not completely. I retained my healing knowledge-that's why I was so successful at running my store. And I had many instances of deja vu-that feeling that you've experienced something before. I didn't know it then, but I still had Second Sight. My magic is a part of me. I didn't bargain for it or kill for it. I was born with it."

Belle pondered this information. "But, the deal Rumple made with you.."

Althea smiled. "To learn magic? That was a deal I made with him. I needed someone more skilled than I to help me become proficient. In exchange, I offered to become his lover."

"Oh. But, the insanity..."

Althea sighed. "Is an unfortunate side effect of using magic."

"Well, then why not just stop?"

Althea laughed. "I actually tried that. I went an entire month without using magic, Do you know what happened?" Belle shook her head. "I ended up blowing up half of Rumple's garden. This was after I set fire to the upstairs rooms in the Castle. It didn't take us long to realize that I can't keep it bottled inside me. That's also why I have my staff. It helps channel my excess energy." She sighed. "But I didn't come here to revisit my past. I came here to ask you to give Rumple another chance. He loves you more than he's ever loved anyone. Even me. And he's really lost without you. To be frank, so am I."

Belle smiled. "Well..I did ask him out for a hamburger sometime. But it's going to take a lot of hard work on his part." She sat next to Althea, leaning against her. "So, you really miss me?"

"Of course. But I'm not going to beg you to take us back. Gods knows we're both a handful and a half, but both Rumple and I adore you utterly. And I know he's willing to do anything to make sure he doesn't lose you again."

"But he's got you..."

"Belle, Rumple and I-we do love each other, in our own way, but I'm not his True Love. You are. I can only give him so much." Althea sighed sadly. "I don't even have a True Love. Rumple's the closest I've come." She turned and kissed Belle. "One thing I will miss-that honey taste. I should get going, I promised Rumple I'd be back an hour earlier."

Belle smiled. "You could stay for dinner, if you like."

"No. This rift is between you and Rumple. I'm staying out of it. Don't make me choose sides."

Belle nodded. "Okay, I won't. Thank you for coming to see me." Althea smiled and was about to leave when Belle spoke up again. "Thea?"

"Yes?"

"Tell Rumple I do still love him."

Althea grinned. "I will."

* * *

Rumple was sitting at the dining table drumming his fingers and glancing at the clock when he heard his front door open. "Hello?" He grinned and ran to the parlor, his expression of glee fading into sadness when he saw that Althea was alone.

"Where's Belle?"

"At her apartment."

"Well...is she packing? Getting ready to move back in?"

Althea laughed once. "No. Rumple, did you honestly think you'd be able to make her come back to you like that?" She snapped her fingers in front of his face. "It's going to take time. You love her, court her! Take her out to dinner, to a movie, for walks around town."

"And what about you?"

Althea rolled her eyes and went to the kitchen, pulling a bottle of coke out of the fridge. "I'm not the one she's mad at, imp. But I'll tell you what I told her. I'm not getting involved in this. You fucked up, Rumple, and now you have to deal with the aftermath." She took a large swallow of coke, then pointed the bottle at him. "And you have to do it without using magic. No love spell or potion."

"You mean I actually have to work at it?"

"Bingo, babe."


	8. Of Bonding, Booze, and Bawdiness

Let's Make a Deal

Chapter Eight: Of Bonding, Booze, and Bawdiness.

**A/N: Starting tomorrow I will be doing NaNo, so this is the last chapter. It takes place after The Doctor. ****For the song: **_Italic_**: Althea, Bold: Red/Snow, **_**Bold Italic**_**: All three. **

Things in Storybrooke had quieted down some after the strange incident on Halloween that left the mayor an emotional wreck and Dr. Whale a temporarily one armed man. Althea had heard at least ten different versions of what happened, and all sounded plausible. So rather than try to separate the truth from the fabrications, she decided to go straight to the source.

Gold was spinning straw when Althea barged in. "Ever heard of knocking?"

Althea rolled her eyes and rapped on the doorjamb. "There. What happened on Halloween?"

"What do you mean?"

"Don't play me Rumple, I'm not in the mood. Regina's a wreck, and Whale lost his arm and then it gets reattached."

He continued to spin. "Whale? You mean Victor Frankenstein, don't you?" He turned around, grinning at her astonished face. "That's who he is."

Althea sighed. "..Let me guess, he tried to bring someone back to life, and it went wrong."

"Regina's fiance. Daniel. From what I hear, he attacked Henry."

"Poor kid. And the arm?"

Gold giggled. "Oh, I reattached it-after I got him to admit he needed magic."

"My gods, are you five?!" Althea rubbed her forehead. "On a different tack, how's the groveling going?"

"Good. Belle's agreed to go to supper with me on Thursday. Which reminds me, she called a few moments ago and asked you to come over."

"Did she say why?"

"Nope, and she sounded fine."

* * *

Ten minutes later, Althea arrived at Belle's apartment. Belle grinned at her. "Thea! You came!"

"Yeah. Belle, is everything okay?"

Belle's grin grew even wider. "Everything's fine! Come in!"

Althea stepped into the apartment, waving at the other occupants. "Hey Snow, hey Red. Belle, what's going on?"

Belle gestured for Althea to sit. "Well, I realized that I needed to get to know people better, and when I was at Granny's the other day, I heard Ruby talking about something called a girl's night. So I decided to have one." She sighed glumly. "Problem is, I don't know what to do."

Althea grinned. "I do. Give me a sec."

Red and Snow jumped ten feet in the air when she vanished in a cloud of red smoke. Belle sat back in her seat and examined her nails, humming. Snow looked over at her. "Did you see that?!"

Belle nodded. "She does it a lot."

"Not that much." Althea reappeared in the kitchen, a large box in her hands. "Ladies, in this box are the ingredients for a perfect girl's night in." She pulled out one of the contents-a large bottle of whiskey. "Hundred years old."

Red and Snow whistled in appreciation. Belle looked puzzled. "Whiskey? What's that?"

Althea grinned. "You'll find out. I also have rum, vodka, bourbon, some really good brandy, and cranberry and orange juice. Some beer, too."

Belle gave her a look. "You raided Rumple's liquor cabinet." Althea smirked and hoisted the whiskey bottle.

"Yep. Now, who wants to get hammered?" All three women raised their hands, and she smiled. "Perfect." She opened the whiskey, taking a sip. "Hooey! That's smooth."

Althea pulled some shot glasses out of the box, sat between Snow and Ruby and poured each of them a shot of whiskey. Belle took a sniff, frowning. "It smells funny. What do I do?"

Althea and Red tossed back their shots, slamming the glass down on the coffee table. Red grinned. "That."

Snow rolled her eyes. "I think you two have a slight disadvantage over us. Belle, take a sip, and see if you like it."

Belle did so, her face twisting. "Not bad." She took a longer drink. "Better."

Red poured herself a shot of rum. "Don't suppose you have any coke?" Althea pointed to the box. Red retrieved the coke bottles, adding a bit to her rum. "Want some, Althea?"

"No, I prefer my liquor straight and hard. Like Rum." She giggled, and Red snorted in laughter.

Six hours and eight empty bottles later, Red asked a question. "What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex? Snow?"

Snow gazed into her screwdriver. "Hmm...The throne room."

Althea giggled. "And here?"

"That would have to be in the storeroom of the shelter. I was so sure we were going to get caught."

Red took a sip of her vodka and cranberry juice. "Weirdest place for me was in the bed of Billy's truck."

Snow laughed. "Ha! I knew you two had a thing go..HIC. Excuse me. A thing going." She turned to Belle. "What about you?"

"Well, there was the time Thea and I had sex in Rum's spinning room."

Althea giggled. "Not just his spinning room, on his newly spun gold." She frowned at the strange looks Snow and Red were giving her. "What?"

Red smiled. "Nothing, you just never told us you were bi. So, what about you? Weirdest place you've ever done it?"

"Back home, on the roof of the Dark Castle. Here, I'd say behind the counter of the pawn shop."

Belle suddenly became very interested in her bourbon. Althea noticed, and nudged her. "Spill, babe."

"Umm, you remember last week when Rum came home late after taking me to a movie?" Althea nodded, and Belle gulped. "Well, we kinda...missed the movie."

"Ah Belle, don't tell me you had sex! The imp's not done groveling yet."

Belle swirled her bourbon. "Not...sex exactly. I think you called it 'third base'?"

Althea gawped at her, then burst out laughing. "Alright Belle!" She pointed her drink at her. "Please tell me you made him beg for it." Belle's wicked smile said it all. "Brilliant!" She refilled her glass. "A toast! To a wonderful girl's night!" Everyone echoed the toast. "I'm hungry."

* * *

Gold had finally discovered his missing liquor. At first, he thought of calling Emma, but a folded up piece of paper caught his attention. He opened it, sighing. 'Althea...' He shut his eyes and teleported to just outside Belle's apartment. From inside, he could hear raucous laughter and the sounds of singing. He pushed the door open and walked in.

Althea was singing a bawdy song at the top of her lungs, with Red, Snow, and Belle joining in on the chorus. (Belle had found several books full of bawdy ballads while browsing through the library's archives)

"_As I went home on Monday night as drunk as drunk could be  
I saw a horse outside the door where my old horse should be  
Well, I called me wife and I said to her: Will you kindly tell to me  
Who owns that horse outside the door where my old horse should be?" _

"**Ah, you're drunk,  
you're drunk you silly old fool,  
still you can not see  
That's a lovely sow that me mother sent to me." **  
_**Well, it's many a day I've traveled a hundred miles or more  
But a saddle on a sow sure I never saw before !"**_

_And as I went home on Tuesday night as drunk as drunk could be  
I saw a coat behind the door where my old coat should be  
Well, I called me wife and I said to her: Will you kindly tell to me  
Who owns that coat behind the door where my old coat should be?_"

**Ah, you're drunk,  
you're drunk you silly old fool,  
still you can not see  
That's a woolen blanket that me mother sent to m**e  
_**Well, it's many a day I've traveled a hundred miles or more  
But buttons in a blanket sure I never saw before!"**_

"_And as I went home on Wednesday night as drunk as drunk could be  
I saw a pipe up on the chair where my old pipe should be  
Well, I called me wife and I said to her: Will you kindly tell to me  
Who owns that pipe up on the chair where my old pipe should be _

**Ah, you're drunk,  
you're drunk you silly old fool,  
still you can not see  
That's a lovely tin whistle that me mother sent to me **  
_**Well, it's many a day I've traveled a hundred miles or more  
But tobacco in a tin whistle sure I never saw before **_

_And as I went home on Thursday night as drunk as drunk could be  
I saw two boots beneath the bed where my old boots should be  
Well, I called me wife and I said to her: Will you kindly tell to me  
Who owns them boots beneath the bed where my old boots should be_

**"Ah, you're drunk,  
you're drunk you silly old fool,  
still you can not see  
They're two lovely Geranium pots me mother sent to me **  
_**Well, it's many a day I've traveled a hundred miles or more  
But laces in Geranium pots I never saw before!"  
**_  
"_And as I went home on Friday night as drunk as drunk could be  
I saw a head upon the bed where my old head should be  
Well, I called me wife and I said to her: Will you kindly tell to me  
Who owns that head upon the bed where my old head should be?"_

"**Ah, you're drunk,  
****you're drunk you silly old fool,  
still you can not see  
That's a baby boy that me mother sent to me **  
_**Well, it's many a day I've traveled a hundred miles or more  
But a baby boy with his whiskers on sure I never saw before"  
**_  
_"And as I went home on Saturday night as drunk as drunk could be  
I saw two hands upon her breasts where my old hands should be  
Well, I called me wife and I said to her: Will you kindly tell to me  
Who owns them hands upon your breasts where my old hands should be?"_

**"Ah, you're drunk,  
you're drunk you silly old fool,  
still you can not see  
That's a lovely night gown that me mother sent to me **  
_**Well, it's many a day I've traveled a hundred miles or more  
But fingers in a night gown sure I never saw before!"**_

_"As I went home on Sunday night as drunk as drunk could be  
I saw a thing in her thing where my old thing should be  
Well, I called me wife and I said to her: Will you kindly tell to me  
Who owns that thing in your thing where my old thing should be"_

"**Ah, you're drunk,  
you're drunk you silly old fool,  
still you can not see  
That's a lovely tin whistle that me mother sent to me**  
_**Well, it's many a day I've traveled a hundred miles or more  
But hair on a tin whistle sure I never saw before!"**_

"Quite the bawdy song, ladies."

Althea yelped, then turned and grinned. "Hi Rum, have some rum!" Snow, Red and Belle laughed. Rumple glared at her, and she pouted. "I'm dot nrunk."

"No?"

"Nope! I'm plerfuctly so..HIC sob...sober."

Rumple frowned. "Althea, do you remember what happened the last time you got drunk?"

"It was a small explosion!"

"Nonetheless, I think you've had enough. Time to go home. Belle, I'll see you Thursday."

Althea heaved a martyring sigh and stood, swaying. "Thanks for the girl's night."

Belle smiled. "We definitely need to do this again."

* * *

Althea snuggled under the blankets. Rum had given her a potion to sober her up, much to her relief. She lay in the dark room, listening to the steady thrum of the spinning wheel, and reflected on the strange twists and turns her life had placed before her.

'And I wouldn't want it any other way.'

FIN.


End file.
